


vicarious

by SeptemberMonsoon



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blood Drinking, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Drug Use, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Mild Gore, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Orphans, Past Drug Addiction, Past Sexual Abuse, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Shameless Smut, Tarot, a lot of sex scenes with changlix bc otp !, a lot of spitting and bodily fluids, bang chan is the only normal person in this story, hyunjin is a human ashtray, hyunjin watches changlix fuck, including blood spit cum piss.., jisung gets turned on by the thought of being killed... no kink shaming though, literal stray kids... get it... cause they're orphans..., minsung and hyunjin hate fuck at some point, seungmin is a tarot reader, some comedy bc minsung are just hilarious right...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:40:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28121037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeptemberMonsoon/pseuds/SeptemberMonsoon
Summary: vicarious (adjective): performed or suffered by one person as a substitute for another or to the benefit or advantage of another.~¤~Hyunjin has always been gorgeous. In his world, beauty isn't an advantage. But if it means that Changbin is safe, then vanity will become Hyunjin's favourite sin.Changbin craves solely atonement from Hyunjin. He has everything else he needs from Felix.Jisung and Minho love each other. At least on the surface.Chan will show Hyunjin how love really feels. If he lets him.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 15
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This is my first fanfiction with Stray Kids (woo!) 
> 
> Please be aware that this is an extremely graphic fanfiction where sensitive topics will be discussed. If you are uncomfortable with references to past rape/sexual abuse; blood; gore; psychological trauma; religious themes / religious mockery, kinda gross smut (bc why not?) this work is not for you.
> 
> I will not be explaining myself as to why I choose to write this or that. Take it or leave it. The work is fully fictional and this is not how I view the boys in real life and you shouldn't as well!
> 
> Please enjoy. Let me know what you think.

He has always been taller. It shouldn't be much of a surprise. They were born only 7 months apart, but Changbin wished he was at least as tall as Hyunjin. Wished he could see the world the way he saw it. Sometimes he even wished he was Hyunjin. But not always.

His eyes would brush over Hyunjin's full meaty lips while they were wrapped around his long fingers - teeth digging into the damaged cuticles, pulling them apart like you would do to the skin off of an apple. Hyunjin loved apples. Especially the ripe, juicy ones. The type which would have your chin soaked with sweet juice after biting once into them. But instead of juice, a bead of blood dripped from the ripped cuticle. He didn't seem to notice, better said care, because his teeth kept digging and digging and digging and...

"Hyunjin."

Ah, there it was. The stern voice well known by both of them. Changbin's eyes left Hyunjin's lips and moved rapidly towards his eyes which were blankly staring in the same spot, strands of greasy black hair sticking to his straight eyebrows like thick thread. His tongue stuck out, mechanically licking his bottom lip, then swallowing a knot in his throat. 

Changbin felt his body automatically melt from the waist down. He did not know why. He knew that the voice wasn't there for him. It never was. Maybe this is why he only sometimes wished he was Hyunjin. Wished he was as tall as Hyunjin. Had lips just as meaty. Hair just as dark and silky. Eyes just as dark and sharp. Hyunjin's beauty.

"Yes." Hyunjin responded in a quiet, raspy tone.

Changbin wished he could do something. Maybe he should have smiled reassuringly. Maybe he should have told his best friend to be strong and that it would pass like it always did. Maybe he should have just used his useless small and lanky body and jumped on the owner of that voice. Wrap his short, stubby, pathetic fingers around his neck and tighten, tighten, tighten ... until that disgusting face turned purple and the capillaries of those evil eyes bursted. Until Hyunjin could finally be released from all the abuse he endures for both of them. Instead of him.

But he did not do anything. Instead, he kept watching. Watching as Hyunjin's wrecked body gets up from the cold, dirty floor and drags itself miserably towards that man. That devil in a human suit whose arms were wide opened, inviting his best friend in a fiendish embrace. As he always did.

Whenever Hyunjin limped into that embrace, Changbin closed his eyes tightly. The image in front of him looked as if the taller was swallowed by a black hole. It was an instant reaction. His ears would ring, like they rung every single time. They would ring with Hyunjin's dismantled screams and pleads. The darkness would soon turn into images of Hyunjin's beauty distorting into anguish. Beauty is pain. Beauty is suffering. 

There were times like these when Changbin did not want to be Hyunjin.

"Changbin?"

He opens his eyes and sees a familiar, freckled face. His reaction is instant ㅡ an ever-genuine smile. 

"You were so lost in your thoughts, I thought you were sleeping there..." the deep honeyed tone vibrates in the back of his mind, like a soothing melody. His eyes follow the younger man who's strutting around the messy room, flush naked, millions of constellations dancing on his glistening sunny skin. He holds the image of the other putting a cigarette between his thick ruby lips, keeping it in place with the help of his big front teeth and crooked bottom ones as he uses the old steel lighter to set it aflame. His fluttering eyelashes protrude through the thick cloud of smoke as he sticks out his bottom lip to exhale. 

Changbin's face is still curved in that grin that only the other boy can see as he grabs the latter's wrist and drags him back on the sheets. The freckled man groans heavily as his back hits the uncomfortable mattress, cigarette daintly sitting between two slender fingers. Nails painted in chipped nailpolish. This time dark blue. 

"I suppose you weren't thinking of me." he interrupts the silence, taking another drag, as ash falls carelessly next to Changbin's naked thigh. 

Changbin shakes his head sincerely, his now muscular arm moving slowly towards the latter's shoulder, his fingers stopping at the junction of the boy's unnaturally long neck and collar bone. His hand looks bigger than it should do. 

"But I wish I were." Changbin finally talks, gingerly grasping the side of the other's neck, his index finger brushing on the protruding Adam's apple. "Felix.." he breaths out, almost inaudibly. Just like a prayer. 

The freckled skin bursts out under his touch, millions of folicles of hairs raising. The cigarette keeps burning between Felix's lips, as Changbin towers over him. From this angle, Felix thought he looked like a God. 

"Then start thinking about me." the smaller reasons, his index and pointer finger meeting around the white body of the cigarette, taking it out and blowing smoke into the other's face. Changbin's smile widens, revealing straight teeth between those chapped lips. He takes the bottom one between his teeth, sticking his left canine on a patch of dead skin and tearing it off, like Hyunjin did with his cuticles, immediately feeling a metallic taste flush against his tongue.

"I am." he lied. Half lied. He is thinking of Felix right now. Seeing his ethereal beauty below him. His bare body trapped and nowhere to escape. A willing prisoneer. Changbin's eyes brush over his nipples, still puffy and reddened by their love making session from mere minutes ago. Actually, deep inside his mind, Changbin is always thinking of Felix. He loves him.

"It's pouring outside." Felix changes the subject nonchalantly. He inhales one last time, as ash piles up in a tall unstable tower balanced on the pillar of the cigarette. As smoke comes out of his nose, having forgotten to let it out through that mouth Changbin adores a little too much, the older thinks he looks like a little dragon. It's fitting for Felix. A virgo born in the year of the dragon. 

"I know you hate it. But don't worry, I'm here." Changbin reassures, his fingers moving under Felix's jaw, index finger slightly sweeping over his bottom lip.

"I only hate thunder. I hate it so much. But if you're here, I'll be okay." 

"I love you, yeah? I won't let anything happen to you." 

Felix's hazel eyes fix Changbin. Bleached blonde hair is toussled around his pretty face like a halo. He just stares at the older boy with a smile. Not that old. Just a year difference. 

"Your lip is bleeding." Felix bluntly says, right hand reaching out to brush the ruby bead. For a second he stares at his index finger like he stares at Changbin, then takes it to his mouth and sucks on it like a pacifier. "Even your blood tastes good. Like the rest of you."

The older chuckles, taking a last look at Felix before shifting off the bed. The cracked mirror in the corner of the room captures both of them like a cheap photography meant to showcase the life of two miserable bastards. One more miserable than the other. But in love at least. Changbin looks at himself through the glass, looks at his big arms, at his stick and poke tattoos scattered all over his body, in the oddest places, at the raised scars on his torso. He doesn't have the guts to take a look at his face. 

"I really love you too." the oddly comforting deep voice echoes from inbetween the sheets.

He takes a deep breath and looks up at his face through the mirror. It's... him. Just him. For some reason, in that moment he didn't see the usual distorted reality. After all these years, he still hates mirrors. That's why they're cracked. He should have listened to Jisung when he told him that he shouldn't look in a mirror while on drugs. He shouldn't have stared in the mirror for too long. He shouldn't have taken it to the heart when the demon told him that he's a monster. 

"You're so handsome." Felix declares, one hand supporting his head as he admired Changbin through the mirror. "So hot, so sexy. Perfect." 

Felix never really understood why Changbin was so adamant not to look at himself. He reasoned that he doesn't care about his appearance that much, but this did not excuse the clothing thrown over mirrors or the cracks visible in almost all mirrors around the house. He decided that maybe the conversation wouldn't go anywhere. So he dropped it. Eventually, Chan told him that he did the right thing. 

It's not that Changbin hates his face or hates his appearance, it's just he is not keen on seeing himself. Why would he anyways? His face just reminds him of who he is. He doesn't want to be himself. He never did. His whole life he lived in his body wishing he wasn't himself. Always wishing he was someone else. 

In any ways, looking at himself right now, he's neither repulsed nor frustrated ㅡ he's pleased. After starting to work out when he escaped the orphanage, his face has grown fuller, his chin and nose don't stick out that much anymore. Sometimes he wonders why didn't he start working out sooner? Maybe in that way he could have saved Hyunjin. 

He draws up his short, stubby, still pathetic fingers and starts biting his nails. 

"Felix..." he breaths out through teeth gritted around his nails. "Eventually, I have to find him. Track him. I don't know."

Felix swallows harshly. His heart strings tug painfully. He doesn't know why. He knows Changbin only loves him. But this Hyunjin... he's like a chimera. He knows that when Changbin isn't thinking about him, he's thinking about Hyunjin, this Hyunjin that doesn't even seem real. He seems like one of those conceptions of Changbin's brain when he's drugged out of his mind, tripping and convulsing on the floor, a fine line between overdosing and surviving. Felix is always there to bring him back. Like a guardian angel. So why is this Hyunjin corrupting his mind?

He doesn't know why, but he starts crying. Not those harsh, strung out cries. A soft whimper, followed by a temporary blindness caused by the sharp pain in his chest. He hates Hyunjin, but he doesn't know why. He doesn't even think he exists.

Changbin sees him through the mirror. That damned mirror. Felix is crying silently. Eyebrows knitted together in an ugly frown, bottom lip tugged painfully under his big front teeth, eyes shut tightly, lashes swimming in tears. His right palm is clutching his chest dramatically like he is trying to rip through his skin and flesh, snake his fingers through the ribcage and tear his heart out of its cavity. The older turns towards him, rushing to the bed. He drags Felix in a tight embrace, their salty skin laying flush against one another. He can smell the bitter scent of sweat mixed with a cheap fruity perfume and smoke soaked into the freckled boy's skin. He is sobbing violently on his shoulder.

"You'll forget about me. You never forgot him. But you'll forget me." Felix blurts out, his voice distorting like a hurt animal's wail. Changbin is petting his blonde locks softly.

"How? Felix, you're my husband. I never loved Hyunjin like I love you. But he saved me. I owe him everything. I owe him meeting you." the older said calmly, pushing Felix off his shoulder to cup his skinny, frail face and force him to look into his eyes. 

They were aflame. Full of confusion, unrequitted hatred, anguish, pain. He cried so hard, his freckles were overpowered by the redness of his face. Snot was running down his cupid's bow, the corners of his mouth were drenched in saliva. 

"You're so silly, Felix." Changbin added. "You're so stupid. Nothing could make me forget you." 

Felix sniffles harshly. He tries to calm himself down. His hands wrap around Changbin's wrists, chipped blue nails contrasting with the older's tattooed forearms. His ring finger brushes accidentally over the blown out ink of his lover's dragon tattoo. A dragon wearing the virgo symbol proudly above its head. Felix.

"I am used to being abandoned. I've been abandoned all my life." Felix says under his breath. 

"That is why we cannot abandon each other. We've always been stray." he leans forward and places a kiss between the boy's eyebrows. "Hyunjin too, Felix. You understand what I'm saying?"

The younger falls silent for a second. 

"How can I leave him behind? He's one of us." Changbin continues.

Felix gulps. He feels ashamed of his reaction. If this Hyunjin is real and needs help, how can he forbid Changbin to help him? Especially since allegedly he saved Changbin.

"When are you leaving?" Felix asks half curious, half anxious.

"In two days. Already talked with Chan and Jisung. Jisung's coming with me. Chan'll stay here to take care of you." 

Felix's eyes widen in betrayal. "So you planned this already? When were you going to tell me?" he gets gradually more angry.

"Right now." the older smiles mischeviously. Felix's ears heat up in anger. "Sweet prince ... you are the one for me..." Changbin caresses his cheek, brushing away the tears drying up on his sunny skin. "I know where to find him."

A thunder roars from the outside making Felix gasp, nails digging into Changbin's skin leaving crescent moon shaped marks. Felix closes his eyes, burying his face into the latter's chest.

"Get him out of wherever he is and come back as fast as you can. I can't stand thunder. I can't stand thunder." Felix babbles into Changbin's skin.


	2. Chapter 2

"Leave it." Minho rolls his eyes in annoyance, arms crossed and head turned towards Jisung who was trying his hardest to pull out a piece of broken glass from his arm. "Leave it, I said. Leave it!" the feline looking man frowns and raises his voice noticing that he's being ignored.

Jisung doesn't budge. He can't just leave that shard of glass hanging from that fresh wound until Chan comes back home, right? It hurts like shit and it's him who feels all those irritating tickles and pumps from the opened flesh. Blood doesn't scare him. Neither does a stupid wound. Neither does the prospect of an infection if he chooses to ignore Minho and keep digging into the gash with his dirty fingers. He just frowns in concentration, eyes so wide they look like they'd burst out of his skull, as he bites into the towel that Minho threw him to wrap around the open lesion. His entire forearm is covered in black and ruby red blood, warm and sticky. The kitchen floor, too. His bare feet, his old tattered trousers, too. Minho, too. A little bit. 

Jisung just bites harder into the towel as he grabs the upward edge of the shard, breathing deeply and pulling. "Fuck, fuck this shit." his scream is muffled by the towel and his vision is getting blurry from tears and the annoying pain.

Minho shivers in disgust as the broken glass hits the stained tiles. Shattering in even smaller pieces. More to clean up. 

"This wouldn't have happened if you weren't such a prick" the older awkwardly says after what seemed like minutes of silence in which Jisung had tried to regain his full consciousness as his forearm pulsated with pain. 

He shouldn't have been so surprised about the amount of blood that kept flowing and flowing out of that gashing wound. Honestly, who thought a piece of glass could go so deep into the flesh. Jisung is breathing little too heavily, as he starts to feel his mind getting hazy. He tries to brush off his vision getting blurry and invaded by black dots as he finally wraps the towel around his arm. The pressure makes the wound feel like a pulsating heart. For a second he wonders if all the saliva that is drenched into the towel could infect his wound. But his oral hygene isn't that bad. 

"Babe, even if I were that big of a prick... really?..." Jisung leans back on the counter, his demeanour turning from panic and urgency to exhaustion. He looks up at Minho through the veil of poorly-bleached orange bangs, his mouth partly opened and breathing heavily from the physical... actually mental effort of staring and trying to manage his gashing wound. He knows Chan will have to stitch it up later anyways. "Couldn't you just slap me... punch me... I don't know... like a normal fucking boyfriend. Instead you attack me with a fucking glass?!" Jisung counters. He starts chuckling as he notices the towel was already soaking. A drop of blood followed a singular path towards his index finger. 

Minho doesn't seem fazed. On the contrary. His pretty face displays offense. Is Jisung really that stupid? He really thinks that he can keep whoring around everywhere and with anyone and expect to only get slapped or scolded?!

"You made a mess here. Clean it now." Minho sternly orders. The younger raises an eyebrow in disbelief and chuckles again. "You really think this is funny, Jisung?"

"Hilarious, actually."

"Clean it, Jisung. Or I'll make you clean it with your tongue." 

The blonde gulps. Minho's eyes narrow and his lips form a stern pout. Fuck. Jisung really shouldn't feel this way. He really shouldn't feel mushy from the waist down. He shouldn't feel his cock stirring to life at those words. He shouldn't feel horny at the thought of his open wound pulsating with pain while Minho presses his face down on the stained kitchen floor making him lick up his own blood. But he is. God, he fucking is. He's so horny thinking about it. And Minho knows it.

The older crosses his arms, a small smirk playing at the corner of his cat-like mouth. Jisung can only stare. Fuck. Why is Minho so perfect? Why is he so beautiful, so seductive, so attractive? His mind is just going crazy over him. It always does. He can't help it. He thinks Minho could just slit his throat, look him in the eyes while doing it, smiling his usual crooked grin as Jisung is struggling to breathe, as dark blood is choking him and coming out of his pathetic mouth, as his cock gets even harder while Minho is killing him... and he'd still love Minho. He'd love him even more. 

Suddenly, the smell of his blood is even better than the cocaine he snorted 2 days ago. He feels drunk by it. He feels dazed as Minho steps closer to him, close enough that he can stare at the older's black pearl eyes, framed by long and curled lashes, at his proud grecian nose, at the purpleish acne and deep scars molding those high cheekbones. He looks like a God in ruins. A God he ruined once. And now ruins him.

Minho takes Jisung's wounded forearm in his hand. He doesn't break eye contact. The younger can only keep staring back. He doesn't even feel pain anymore. Just a ringing uncomfortable feeling. He tied the towel well enough. His arm is numb now. 

"You always came back to me. Every single time. So why are you still going to your other whores?" Minho questions with a placid smile. Seemingly a normal conversation for them. Jisung smiles back, almost shyly. "What? I don't treat you well enough?" the feline boy frowns and pouts sadly. "I don't let you fuck my ass hard enough?" he notices beads of sweat rolling down Jisung's neck. "I don't suck your dick the way I should?" Minho drags his dainty long fingers over the blood soaked towel. "Am I not good enough for you, Han Jisung?" 

Jisung blinks back. It's all his hazy brain allows him to do. Truthfuly, he was starting to feel dizzy. Kinda felt like puking too, but decided to power through the feeling. He opens his mouth in a pathetic attempt.

"Actually... don't answer that." Minho brushes him off. He wraps his empty hand gingerly on the hairs at the nape of his neck. "We both know that I am better than what you deserve. Way better. You pathetic little rat." the older smiles, taking a handful of his orange hair and dragging him down on the floor.

Jisung whimpers a little when his tailbone makes sudden contact with the cold tiles, but he feels his hands landing in a puddle of his own warm, sticky blood. He stares at his hands like he was a blind man that has regained his vision. He stares at the red, thick substance. Stares at it seeping through the crevices of his fingers, under his dirty unkept nails, into the pores. He sees red.

"I fucking love you, Minho!" he screams from the floor, then bursts into a fit of joyous laughter. "This is so fucking beautiful..." he adds, examining his hands, his arms, the soaked towel.. he tries to take it off, but Minho's pretty, elegant hand stops him. He crouches next to him, using his clean hand to cup his chin and make him stare back into his black pearl eyes. Jisung looks fucking mad. Pupils blown to the max, no emotions other than desire and blood lust.

"You have to clean it, Jisung. Now. Before Chan comes back. If he comes back, he won't let you do it, hm?" Minho reasons.

"Fuck...fuck... Minho.. you can't let him stop me again... Lock the door. I'll clean it now. Lock it." Jisung blabbers desperatedly. He takes his right palm to his mouth and starts lapping at the disgusting blood. It tastes metallic, with a hint of soil from the kitchen floor tiles. He is obsessed. He is ravenous. 

The younger kneels down in the puddle, staring at it like it was a lake of ambrosia. He is so hard in his trousers, he feels his underwear soaking in precum as he ducks his head forward, tongue sticking out and licking the blood soaked floor. The dizziness in his head becomes more accentuated as his nostrils flare to let the leaden smell invade his senses. Nothing ever tasted so good. He can't believe that something so desireful, so delicious, so addicting came from his body. Keeps him alive. He cannot believe that this is the biggest piece of himself ㅡ and he is possessed by it. 

He wonders if his blood tastes so heavenly, what about Minho's blood? He never dared to ask before. Minho knows about his little desire. And uses it against him. Especially in times like this when Jisung does him wrong. It's his weakness. 

"Jisung... how does your druggy blood taste like, boy? Is it good? Does it remind you of all the cocaine you snorted? The heroin you shot up your pathetic veins? You're prettier like this ㅡ licking your own blood off our dirty kitchen floor." 

The younger groans against the warmed up tiles. His cock is so hard, his head is pounding with pain and dizziness, his forearm feels completely limp and useless and his senses are overpowered by the metallic taste and smell of his own blood. He feels close to release.

"Ah.. Jisunggie...." Minho breathes lowly. He crouches down next to him again. "I bet your own death could make you cum, boy." 

Jisung's vision darkens as he cums untouched in his undearwear. he falls face first into the puddle of his own blood, feeling seconds away from losing his counsciousness. A warm elegant hand grabs him from the floor.

~¤~

Felix sat quietly next to the window sill as Chan and Changbin were discussing different topics that didn't concern him. Not that he cared about the conversation anyways. Truthfully, being dragged into this so-called family was something he never asked for. But it's better to have a sense of belonging. Belonging somewhere. Having a family. The old saying goes: "You don't get to choose your family". Right. Felix guesses that only applies to people whose families wanted them. He never had that. None of them did. So he feels shameful that sometimes he wishes he'd just run away. 

It is still raining outside. It hasn't stopped yet. At least, no more thunderstorms. Tomorrow, Changbin is leaving. He hopes it will stop raining in the morning.

"Jeongin told me, brother. So yeah. I trust him." Chan peers at Changbin, his fist sheathing an A3 paper that looks like a cheaply printed map. Changbin glances at him for a second. They're not brothers by blood, but it feels like they could be. 

"And I trust you, brother." the latter responds. 'Brother' really has a nice ring to it.

Felix's right cheek is mushed in his palm as his sleepy eyes keep staring out of the window. The view is shitty, just like the apartment, the block of flats, the district, the city, the world. Shitty like his whole life. He sighs deeply, closing his eyes and using the older boys' conversation as a soothing white noise. 

"How did he even get this much information about him?" Changbin frowns, analyzing the papers that Chan brought to him. Chan raises his shoulders.

"He's just too good, man. I tell you... He might be only 18, but he's so good at shit like this. It's a gift." 

Changbin scans through the files, going over some boring descriptions and some maps that he has no idea what they could serve for him. However, something catches his eye. 

"Hey..." he interjects, catching Chan's attention.

Changbin feels his heart tighten.

"Is this..." he says quietly, his index and pointer finger holding up a pixelated, really bad quality photo. He can make up the profile of the person in the photo, even though half of the face is hidden by a hood. He knows that manly nose... the meaty pout... the sharp jawline... the long column of his neck. "It's him. It's really him."

Chan's eyebrows furrow, coming closer to Changbin to take a look at the photo. He doesn't really know how Hyunjin looks like. He has only ever created mental images of him from his best friend's brief descriptions. It could be him. He doesn't really know. 

"Can't see his eyes though.." Chan says, leaning back on the chair, a loud creak making him frown.

"It's him.." Changbin whispers, a faint smile playing on his lips. It seems surreal. He can't make out a lot from the photo, but he feels like he would recognize Hyunjin anywhere. Relief overpowers his body. At least he knows he's alive. That's really what matters to him.

He's determined to bring Hyunjin to them. To his family. The family he, more or less, chose. But what if Hyunjin already found a family? It's unlikely from the information Jeongin brought to them, but nothing is impossible. What if he doesn't want to come with him? At least Changbin would see him one more time. Either way, he is euphoric.

"Chan, I'll see him again... Finally." Changbin smiles widely, wider than he has in a long time. Chan cannot help but to smile back.

"Did you get a hold of Jisung, yet?" 

"Talked to him earlier. He left to buy cigarettes. He seemed a bit off." 

"Right. By the way..." Chan leans forward, proping a hand on the table. "The kitchen was so dirty today. Think I saw some blood, too." 

Changbin shrugs, reaching for his pocket to take out a thin paper. He nodded towards the brown grinder on the table and the older man passed it to him.

"Man, I sometimes think Minho and Jisung can't even really stand each other." Chan concludes as he mindlessly watches how Changbin is rolling himself a joint. It's always fascinating to watch the process. Changbin's got a gift for it.

"I wouldn't put it like that. Everyone shows affection differently. Some love like they do, others love like Felix and I do..." he reasons, sticking his tongue out to lick the edge of the paper before making a perfect joint. A real gift, as Chan said. 

Felix eventually fell asleep on the window sill, cheek smashed against the cold wooden edge, full lips slightly opened, a string of drool dripping on his palm nestled under his freckled skin. Changbin watches him fondly. He wonders what he's even dreaming about when he sleeps so peacefully, so beautifully. 

"Brother..." he breathes out, as he puts the joint between his lips, reaching for the old steel lighter, his eyes never leaving Felix's frame. "... I never thank you enough for bringing him to me." 

Chan grins dotingly, two proud dimples appearing at the corners of his mouth. 

"No need to thank me. You know... we have always been there for each other. No way I could leave him behind." 

"Wish I were as brave as you. I wish I wouldn't have left Hyunjin behind." Changbin declares, a painful arrow hitting his heart. He deserves to feel like this. To feel like shit. He's got Felix, he's got Chan, Jisung, Minho, Seungmin, Jeongin... Who does Hyunjin have? Does he even have anyone? He was so stupid for leaving him behind. A coward.

"Changbin, you had no choice." Chan counters, his strong hand gripping his younger friend's shoulder. "You told me Hyunjin told you to leave, to save yourself. He knew that both of you couldn't be saved."

"Then why didn't I let him go? Why didn't I stay? Why didn't I tell him to go instead of me?" Changbin takes a long drag of his joint. He coughs violently. Fuck. His chest really hurts. He brushes the tears forming as results of his reckless smoking.

"I don't know. I don't know, brother. I'll never know. But you know what I do know? That you're a good person. And after all these years, you still want to make things right." 

Changbin stares at his older friend. Chan is a really handsome man. Very charming and kind, over the top inteligent and strong both physically and mentally. He thinks that if Chan disappeared, chaos would install in their little family in less than a day. He is the primordial piece, the thread keeping all of their broken souls and minds together. Changbin could really say that maybe Chan was Jesus Christ or something. Messiah for the animals that they all are.

Felix cuts off their conversation as he groans lowly, waking up with a yawn. The blonde cracks his back and neck a little as he turns around towards the older boys and stares blankly in the distance with sleepy, half lidded eyes. 

"Slept well, cutie?" Changbin chuckles.

"Mm..." Felix mumbles. "You guys 'r too loud..."

The latter two laugh, as Felix gets up from his spot next to the window and goes to the old couch in the corner of the room to flop down onto. "Binnie...C'me 'er..." he says sleepily. His lover rolls his eyes playfully, as Chan grins amused at the youngest.

"What's up?" Changbin asks, as he sits down next to the younger's spread out lithe body. He just makes grabby hands at him and the dark haired knows that all he has to do is to give Felix a kiss on his pouty pink lips. The blondie is happy now.

The three can hear the front door being unlocked. It should be Jisung coming home.

"I'm back." he announces. All eyes fall on his unusually white right forearm. "Uhm.. Chan... I need your help."

Chan sighs. He already knows what he has to do. The bloody kitchen tiles gave him enough insight to not bother Jisung with unnecessary questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else got horny during the Minsung kitchen cleaning session? No? Ok...
> 
> Hope you liked it! Feel free to comment cause it motivates me so much!!! So comments = motivation = more updates (!!!)


	3. Chapter 3

Felix sits back quietly. He looks at Changbin through the cracked mirror the older hates so much. Jazz music is playing softly through the speakers of his barely functioning phone. Changbin's favourite. The blonde's eyes fall on his own lap, staring at his fidgety fingers, at the painted slightly-too-long nails. The nail polish has cracked even more in the last 2 days. He frowns.

The air is thick in their room. Thick with Changbin's smoke coming from his cigarette as he prances around aimlessly, biting his nails obsessively and trying to call Jeongin. Thick with Felix's concern over this journey. 

"Hey... Jeongin? Hey, finally." Changbin breathes out when the person on the other line responds. "Yeah. I'm leaving in the morning." he keeps digging his canines into his nails, leaving dents in the overgrown part. "Only with Jisung. Yeah. Mhm. I'll take care. What do you mean 'are you sure'?" he takes a long drag of the cigarette. "No, Jeongin. No. I won't relapse and I won't do anything stupid. Stop. You told me he's there. Yes. I'll go there no matter what. Right. Okay. Yeah. Bye. Talk to you soon." 

He sighs and carelessly throws the phone down on the carpet. The thud is a bit too loud. Felix rolls his eyes.

"Don't complain about needing a new phone. We don't have money for this." 

Changbin scoffs taking a last puff of his cigarette before throwing the stub into the ashtray on the bedside table. He glances at Felix's messy blonde hair currently caressing his freckled bony shoulders. The large cardigan that he was wearing (and that originally belonged to Chan) had fallen off as the younger was struggling to pick another song from the playlist. 

"You gonna miss me?" he grins, carefully sitting next to his boyfriend on the tangled bedsheets. Their room is pretty shitty. But it's theirs. It's a nice feeling to have possessions.

"Is water wet?" Felix mumbles, not bothering to spare Changbin a single look away from the phone screen. 

The older softly drags his hand along the fuzzy backside of the cardigan, up towards the bare skin of the boy's nape covered by his blonde mane. The cardigan still kind of smells like Chan, but Changbin doesn't mind it. It's still a comforting, homey smell. Still a sense of belonging.

"Kiss me." Changbin demands in a quiet tone. Almost like a prayer. Past the slight kittenish tongue wetting his full bottom lip, Felix ignores him.

The older's hand roams closer to the younger's armpit, his fingers wiggling through the pathway until he reached one soft nipple that immediately reacted to his touches. Still no reaction. But he doesn't mind. Felix was still searching. 

He shifts closer to the boy, his other hand grabbing his waist. Changbin doesn't waste another moment and presses a long kiss on Felix's cheek. It's hard to resist him. Hard to resist someone like Felix. He doesn't know if it's because he's so in love or simply because Felix himself is bewitching. As untainted and perfect as one could be. For him at least. In comparison to him and the others.

Felix lets an almost unaudible whimper escape his mouth as he feels his lover's hand travel downwards between his thighs. He settles the phone down, ultimately not choosing any song, in favour of running a small hand alongside Changbin's neck and stopping to grip at his hair. His undercut is slightly tickling his palm. Felix lets his head fall back onto the other's muscular shoulder, indulging in the touches. 

"I want more." the blonde confesses, as Changbin was just gingerly brushing his fingers onto the skin between his thighs, his other hand gripping at Felix's chest, aiming for his sensitive buds.

"Say it." 

Felix didn't even realize his eyes were shut before he opened them to look up at Changbin. His eyes scanned that deep and raised chin scar that he loves so much for a second. He met Changbin's eyes afterwards. He melted immediately. 

"Touch my cock please." he said in his honeyed deep voice. Changbin has no choice but to comply.

The older's biceps bulge up as he grips Felix by his thighs from the underside and brings him up in his lap, in the process parting his legs. Felix breathes out a sigh, feeling his whole body heating up from the proximity of their bodies. From Changbin. He loved watching as his huge arms worked their way down to his crotch, loved watching as Changbin's stubby fingers danced onto his freckled skin before reaching the waistband of his briefs and dipping down into them, loved the way Changbin moaned as well as his hand wrapped around his already half-hard cock. Felix just loved Changbin wholeheartedly. He loved him just as much when his arms were skinny and fragile, full of cuts and bruises, no tattoos in sight. He loved him just as much when his fingers were shaking in nervousness when they first had sex. He loved him just as much when he would hold his lips tightly shut and breathe unsurely as he first saw Felix naked and touched him. He just loved Changbin. Always. 

"Bin..." Felix whines faintly, his free hand struggling to unbutton his cardigan, as Changbin's hand works its way on his cock, pumping him at an alarmingly slow pace.

"It looks good on you." the older comments.

" 's Chan's...ah .." the smaller responds, being cut off by a harsher tug on his cock. Changbin's index finger is softly massaging the underside of his apendage, right below the head. It is a weak spot for him. "Bin..Binnie.." he moans.

The older grins to himself, looking down at his lover's face grimaced in pleasure. He knows it's not enough to get Felix off. Felix always needs more. His left hand goes back up to his nipples, pinching them to hear the younger's low, deep groan once again. 

"Fuck... you're mean to me.." the younger whines. His nails dig into the nape of Changbin's neck, his head thrown back on his shoulder. He was starting to move his hips involuntarily fucking himself into Changbin's hand. 

"What do you exactly want?" the older teases, chuckling at Felix's frustrated groan. It was just a pleasure to end all pleasures to see Felix frustrated like this. The blond looked up at him with pleading eyes and lips pouted. "Talk, Felix." 

"Binnie... I want you to fuck me..." he proclaims, pressing his lips as well as he could to the other's neck, his hips stuttering as he kept fucking into the other's hand. Suddenly, Changbin let go of his cock to the utter dismay of the blonde boy. But the frustration didn't last long.

It's almost like he blinked too slowly, because Changbin was already on his feet at the foot of the bed taking off his clothes. Felix watched him through a haze, his barely functioning shaky hands struggling to drag his own briefs further down towards his knees. His cock was almost red and leaking against his stomach, uncomfortably hard and it felt painful to have the head rub slightly against his skin and trimmed pubes. But fuck... watching Changbin is just a delight. His skin is like a book. His tattoos, his scars, his bruises. It's fascinating. Felix has always looked at it in this way. He even participated in some of the chapters written on his skin, saw them being created or hearing first hand of the recollections encased on his lover's flesh. You cannot blame him for being selfish - for only wanting Changbin for himself. Changbin is that one book that, if it went missing, the library of his heart would collapse or feel forever incomplete. The book laced in silver rope and thick leather next to paperback manuals. 

"I need you so much." Felix moans highly. It's not even desire anymore - his heart is just full of love for Changbin - full of utter heartbreak at the thought of him leaving. Full of anger at the thought of him returning with Hyunjin. "I need you now more than ever..."

Of course, Changbin just deems this confession as a result of Felix's insatiable lust. He does not look further into it. In fact, he finds it quite amusing and dramatic, but he obliges.

"Patience. Yeah? I'm not even fully hard yet." Changbin chuckles, taking his own half-soft cock in his palm pumping himself. Felix raises slowly and crawls to the foot of the bed. His eyes are big and gleamy and if Changbin wasn't so ignorant, he would notice the tears at the corners.

"I'll suck you off." the blonde offers, his small freckled hand already pressing against the soft trail of hair leading towards Changbin's thick dick. 

"You know that's my favourite thing." the older smiles, his eyes growing hungrier by the second watching the beautiful boy from underneath the black hair that has fallen into his eyes.

It is a show to watch Felix's pretty full lips wrap around his cock, his cheeks hollowing eerily as he sucks on the skin and runs his tongue flat on the bulges of the veins. Changbin can't help but breathe out moans and praises for his boyfriend. He observes fondly as the boy's messy blonde locks bob in the same rhythm as his head as he takes him further and further down into his mouth, aiming to feel the head of the older's into his throat. It's nothing new, nothing they haven't done before. Nothing even remotely special. However, he would never change it for anything else. The monotony of their love making is perfect for him. He just needs Felix. It doesn't matter how.

He comes closer to the edge by the second and even though he'd love to just let it all go and cum into that warm mouth and maybe even onto Felix's rosy lips or the bridge of his cute nose or freckled cheeks, he knows nothing compares to coming inside him. 

"Felix, let me fuck you." Changbin breathes out, his voice strained. Felix nods vigurously, pulling back with a pop and a string of spit connecting his bottom lip to the older's slit. He looks up at him once again like he was God. Changbin is God for him.

The blonde turns around on all fours, bending over for his boyfriend 

"No.. not like this..." a disatisfied voice echoes. "No.. I wanna see you. Face me, okay?" 

Felix turns around and just stares. Changbin kneels on the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around the other's waist and embracing him. He places a kiss on his lips.

"Changbin, you know how much it hurts me that you're leaving?" the younger says quietly, almost dreading the fact that the question slipped out of his mouth.

The older smiles gingerly, urging the younger to lay back on the sheets and spread his legs. "We've been through this before - I told you and i stand by it - I will be back as fast as I can. I am never EVER", he punctuates the last word with a harsh pull on Felix's ankle towards him "leaving you. Ever, Felix." his hands touch the underside of his knees and push his legs towards his chest.

"I can't help but get jealous." the younger pouts. "I'm sorry. I said I can't help it." he explains when he notices Changbin rolling his eyes in exasperation. He lets out a relieved moan when the older spits on his fingers and starts working them gently around his rim, proding him with one at first. 

"I can't change the way you feel..." Changbin comments, concentrated on getting his lover opened up for his cock. He is glad after all the times they have fucked, Felix loosened up a little bit. He remembered when Felix was just a ball of nervousness that has never had sex before when they first did it. Changbin was just as nervous. Maybe even more. He did not want to hurt him. Not a single bit. Pain during sex reminded him of unspeakable things that happened in the past. He never wanted to imagine Felix in such situations. "...but I just want you to know that nobody and nothing compares to you for me." 

Felix sits in silence. In that moment, he felt that words maybe can't do his feelings justice. He just let it be. He whimpered as Changbin dipped a third finger inside, accidentally brushing against that sweet spot deep inside him. Changbin already knew that he could go in.

With a swift movement, the older put his strong arms on either side of Felix's golden hair splayed around his picture-perfect face like rays of sunlight, arranging himself between the younger's legs. He glances at the younger's figure, taking in his beauty for probably the one thousand time.

"You're beautiful." Changbin admires, a small innocent smile playing on his lips. Felix feels embarrassed because he's blushing. Even after all this time, hearing the other call him beautiful makes his heart do leaps. 

"And so are you."

Changbin leans closer to kiss his forehead. He shifts his position a little, aligning his cock with Felix's entrance. He looks carefully at the other's face to read his expression. The younger might have understood because he rocks against the other's shaft trying to get him inside. Changbin pushes slowly, carefully, making sure Felix has time to adjust before starting to move at the usual pace. It doesn't really faze the blonde anymore. He is used to the girth of his boyfriend. When they first did it, it was shocking for his virgin, untouched body. But it's been quite a lot of time and love making sessions since then. Felix's body had a specific muscle memory when it came to Changbin.

Now it felt right to have Changbin's cock inside him; warm and hard, moving at an exasperantingly slow pace for the moment. He loved teasing and bringing Felix to the brink of frustration, raising it high to the ceiling then dropping it instantly to the floor. It was their little game. No winners. No losers.

"Fuck harder into me." Felix would plead like he does everytime. If he is lucky, Changbin will show him mercy and indulge. He is lucky today. Maybe because deep inside both of them are tired. 

So the older sets a fast pace. It was almost too fast for what Felix was used to. Shocking almost. He knows even if the pleasure washes over him, he has to keep his voice low and steady. There's other people in the house. His eyes scan over Changbin's vice grip on his ankle, bending his leg at an unnatural angle. Fortunately, he is very pliant.

"I'm close.." the raven haired announces, his eyes barely visible under the black bangs falling into his eyes. The "SpearB" tattoo on the side of his head peaks through the undercut. His sunkissed skin is tainted with a shade of pink on his cheeks as his small mouth falls open in silent moans because Felix's tight heat was just the most heavenly thing someone like him could ever experience. 

Felix has to slap a hand over his mouth to muffle his eerily high moans from the pleasure only Changbin could give him. His hard, leaking cock bounced in tandem with the older's thrusts, painfully hitting him just under his navel, leaving trails of translucent precum on his skin. He was incredibly close too. He just came seconds afterwards in thick ropes over his whole torso. Changbin loves Felix a lot. More than anything. Seeing him at the height of his pleasure is bound to send him over the edge too. And it did as he spilled into his one and only, filling him up. 

After cleaning everything up, sloppily to be fair, Changbin finds himself in the same position he was before - sitting on the edge of the bed watching as Felix stared out of the window. 

"The rain has started to dim down. By tomorrow morning, I think it won't be raining anymore." he blurts out. His blonde head turns towards Changbin, an appeased bright smile playing on his face. The older missed seeing those big front teeth between the thick curves of his rosy lips. "What a relief." the younger concludes, crawling through the bedsheets towards him.

"The journey won't last too long. I will be back before you even start missing me." Changbin explains, running a hand through Felix's blonde bangs. He notices the younger is staring at his dragon tattoo. 

"I always miss you. Even when you're here." Felix pouts. 

"That's nonsense..." Changbin laughs at the confession.

"To you..." the freckled face whispers. "Sometimes even when you're next to me, you seem to be far away. Not present. Of course I miss you. Even then." 

The latter swallows a knot in his throat. It pains him. It really does. He knows what Felix is talking about. He knows he zones out thinking of the past. Thinking of Hyunjin. He hates himself for this. But it's involuntary. Maybe after he finds him... He won't zone out anymore. He'll always be present. Always with Felix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long time between updates. also sorry for any grammatical mistakes this might have, i finished writing it at 3 AM and did not have any energy to re-read it <\3
> 
> hope you enjoyed though!!! changlix >>>>


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